The WBC changes its mind!

Early this morning (the time God wakes up), the Westboro Baptist Church announced that they have officially renounced their positions on issues that they have spent years protesting, including homosexuality. According to Shirley Phelps-Roper, “We realized that a lot of people have really been missing the point that we’ve been trying to convey, and we’re prepared to accept that. We only wanted to spark a debate over these issues and take advantage of their controversy in order to spread awareness over how serious the issue of gay rights is in this country.”

She later said that the Church would be ceasing all of its picketing activities, and that Shirley herself would take some time off from the Church’s daily operations in order to “spend some more time with [her] beautiful children, Samuel, Margy, Rebekah, Isaiah, Zacharias, Grace, Gabriel, Jonah, Noah, Luke, and even Joshua.”

The Church’s leader, Fred Phelps Sr., said that God no longer hated fags and fag-enablers, but hate and hate-enablers. He said the Church would begin a campaign to “promote tolerance, acceptance, and love”, and that the URL of the official Westboro Baptist Church Website would be changing to “godlovesfags.com”.

In other news, I plan to spend the next week locked in my room crying. So alone…

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Psalms 30:5)

Pathetic Creatures! Do Not Assume for the Truth is Upon Ye!

While here we thought they were experiencing a dry patch, our beloved group of friends the WBC have returned: full throttle.

And this time they're taking it to the land of the blasphemous Simon Cowell and Hermione Satan Granger... thats right y'all, Londonnnnn!

Of course the media has gotten all up in their godly grill for picketing outside an elementary school who planned a week long series of special lessons to commemorate LGBT History Month. This being said, I've done some extensive investigative journalism and have come to the conclusion that the WBC just might be picketing the Tomlinson School in London for reasons not pertaining to their usual "God Hates Fags" schtick.

Reason # 1:

The Tomlinson School which the WBC plans to picket is located in a place called Leytonstone. Root word of Leytonstone: Leyton. Canadian NDP candidate: Jack Layton.

The Bible has a clear stance on baldness and sweet 'staches (see image above) as stated in Leviticus 21: "They shall not make any baldness on their heads, nor shave off the edges of their beards."

Jack Layton is clearly the ultimate example of Biblical hypocrisy and thus any town baring his name must be condemned. It's the simple and clear logic of God, guys.

Reason #2:

For LGBT memorial week the school used books depicting a positive image of homosexual relationships.

One book was about two male penguins. Perhaps the underlying issue here is not the church's stance on homosexuality but the Bible's stance on penguins.

Penguins oft have yellow feathers protruding from their head like the blazing fires of hell. To this I say, 'march on you hell-bent birds. Come judgement day, ye shall win no more 2005 Oscars for best documentary.'

Reason #3:

The WBC made a statement that their picket at the Tomlinson School "is yet another warning to the UK to repent of their manifold sins of the flesh or perish."

Now, I looked up the term "manifold" and it can be defined as "a mathematical space in which every point has a neighborhood." The manifold sins of the flesh must be math class!

The WBC has not come to offend, they've come to get these bored students out of class. And that my friends, is worthy of a high five.

We seem so quick to assume that the Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing against LGBT rights month at this London school.

We jump to the conclusion: "oh the Phelpses? They must be on some anti-gay rights protest."

But are our stereotypical assumptions the true reason behind the WBC's voyage to the land of tea, Elton John and the Union Jack?

Or perhaps we are unwilling to accept the inconvenient truth that they are there to preach the Biblical truth regarding Jack Layton's facial hair, penguins and math class.

Until next time fair warriors of God!

God hates you

That's right, you. Yes, you. Don't look around the room, I'm talking about you. You might be thinking, "what reason could God have to hate me? I've always been a good person/good Christian/able to control the murderous impulses!" Well you know what? It really doesn't matter why God hates your blasphemous ass. He created you, and he can damn well hate you if he wants to.

That's the great thing about God: he doesn't discriminate! It doesn't matter if you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, straight, gay, white, black, or anything, because God hates all of you! And you might as well get your sodomite boogie on right now, because you guys are totally doomed. Every last one of you, save for Fred, Shirls, and the whole Phelps crew. They've all got get-out-of-hell-free cards, and they aren't sharing. As soon as the rapture happens and we all get sent to hell to suffer for all eternity, they're going straight to heaven, which you know means a rip-roaring good time is in store.

Where was I? Oh right, God, and how much he hates you. He really does. A lot. Don't just take my word for it, the good book itself agrees:

"The nations were angry, and your wrath has come. The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants the prophets and your people who revere your name, both great and small.. and for destroying those who destroy the earth."

(Revelation 11:18)

p.s. Shirley Phelps is a classy lady.

Would you like some tea and crumpets with your fail?

Today, the British Home Office banned members of the Westboro Baptist Church from entering the UK after WBC Power Duo Shirley and Freddy announced they were going to travel there to picket a play being put on a by a gay youth group this Friday.  Now, I don’t know about you, but if I was a member of a gay youth theatre group (Cabaret every Wednesday night!), I would be honoured if a pair as awesome as the Phelps’ were to show up outside to warn me about my impending doom!  According to Shirls, not allowing the WBC to enter the UK will “bring great wrath upon your heads.”

Though my initial thought when I heard about the play was “it has to be Equus,” it turns out that it is in fact The Laramie Project by Moisés Kaufman.  Too bad it isn’t though; this is why I keep Radcliffe on call at all times for just this sort of emergency.

Also, The Sun gets the award for hypocritical failure when they call the Phelps’ “sickos”, but then get all uppity when Fred and Shirls start bringing down the judgment of God down on their hack asses.  They also get an award for just generally being a really shitty paper.

Last night on 4chan...

Obama is the antichrist!

It's estimated that last Tuesday, approximately 1.8 million people gathered in Washington, DC in front of the Capitol Building to watch the inauguration of President Barack Obama (pictured above in his true form).  Amongst that sizable crowd were 12 of our favourite people ever from the Westboro Awesome Church, who showed up in force to picket the event, carrying signs such as the painfully clever "Hell to the Chief", complete with two stick figures sodomizing each other in front of the American flag, and the understated yet all-encompassing "God Hates The World."

I think it was a truly spectacular showing on the part of the WBC, maybe one of their best pickets yet!  Fortunately for us, someone was able to capture the whole glorious affair on video!

Also, congrats to the losers harassing the picketers, you guys are so cool with your satanism and doomedness.

"For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed."

(Mal. 3:6)

No words are needed.

www.says-it.com/wbc

Generate your own sign. I made 15.

Wii Love The Westboro Baptist Kids.

There’s been a lot of hoo-ha about the children being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church and the ethics of making them picket yada yada yada.

Seriously, guys? STFU. Get your own kids. As demonstrated in the photo below, it’s really not that difficult, especially when there’s an over population problem.

These kids' lives rock. If I could go back in time I would steal their childhood and make it my own.

See, I wish my childhood was in sunny Topeka, Kansas like these lucky youngsters but instead I grew up in freeze-your-balls-off Ontario.

I wish my childhood involved holding up cardboard signs and getting attention instead of writing sexually offensive stories about my grade 1 teacher and young boys for which I was dragged to the office.

I wish my childhood involved blaming someone, a group of people... anyone really. Instead I had to take responsibility for my bad recorder skills in grade 3 even though we all know it was the fault of my horrible devil enabling recorder instructor who was trying to transfer her evil pagan music into my instrument.

Because of picketing, these kids also grow up getting into trouble with the law here and there. This means by their teens:

A) They obtain some sort of a bad boy/girl reputation.

B) They have a sense of mystery and some pain behind those eyes.

A + B = they get laid. A lot. Has anyone here not seen the O.C.?

Relax. These young girls and boys are going to grow up and do one of two things: stay in the church or leave. If they stay, we get to blog forever and those who are "politically active" will always have something to care about. If they leave, they have a raw and intense life story that will later benefit them through lots and lots of sex.

Everyone’s a winner so let them live their lives.

Plus it has been confirmed that they have a Wii. This is not a joke. Jealous!

"Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword!”

xoxo

(Matthew 10:34)

Note: Do not worry if you thought Russell Crowe was bringing the sword. So did we. Matthew's telling us it's Christ though so we're going to go with him on this one. Again, don't worry about it. It's an easy mistake to make. Please do not feel guilty about this or for being a blasphemous heathen.

We're All Sodomites!

So the other day, in between bench-pressing busses and looking at pictures of Westboro pickets, I happened to come across the WBC’s picketing schedule. It turns out Fred, Shirley, and the whole gang are going to be busy little beavers tomorrow! On the 19th, the WBC will be staging 11 pickets, including 10 in Washington DC, and one in Baltimore (cause fuck ‘em, right?). Amongst locations being protested are the French, British, Australian, Vatican, Kenyan, Swiss, Irish, Italian, Israeli, and Canadian Embassies! It’s really an honour just to be nominated!

According to the schedule about the picketing of the Canadian Embassy: “We are not coming all the way to this nation's capital and NOT picket the embassy of the the second most evil nation in the DOOMED world… We have DNA evidence against that evil land. AMEN!” It just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside when they tell us they love us like that, and to come second for World’s Most Evil Nation? That’s truly an accomplishment. Congratulations, everyone! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my sodomy and sinning.

I said Brrrr-O, it's cold in here! There must be some hipsters in the atmosphere.

Clearly God Loves Hipsters. As demonstrated in the photo above by The Most Hated Awesome Family in America, Fred and his crew are more scene than the entire Urban Outfitters chain listening to the Juno soundtrack… and that don’t make no sense!

In the entry below my colleague noted Fred’s excellent sense of fashion and commented on his sunglasses. This new photo reaches unprecedented levels of indie.

On the right we have Fred’s daughter, Margie J., who holds two signs like a champ. She’s a less famous daughter than Shirley, giving her bonus hipster points for being non-mainstream. The American flag tied around her waist screams DIY fashion. Can you say artist?

Check out Fred’s wife Margie M. She’s the adorable old lady with the sign that says “You’re Going to Hell” and the pea coat that says “I listen to bands you’ve never heard of.” Her hand is in her pocket, probably because she’s stealthily texting to see how long plaid scarves will be on sale for at the mall. Margie gets bonus points for effortlessly nailing the half dead look that most hipsters try but only the true accomplish.

Lets turn our focus to Fred, who like a true gentleman, stands behind the ladies letting them have the spotlight. Who said chivalry was dead? Obviously it was the enablers of this doomed nation. Fred’s wearing Ray Bans or a better version of them and seriously does this guy have a pair of sunnies for every picket? I hope so. I think in his head he’s jamming to some Death Cab. I’m going to send him a personalized “God Hates Fags,” fedora in the mail. Cute? Cute.

"Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none."

xoxo,

Ezekiel 7:25